


What Doesn’t Kill You

by cordeliadelayne



Category: Primeval
Genre: Angst, Gen, Introspection, Stephen feels all alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 16:18:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6665611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cordeliadelayne/pseuds/cordeliadelayne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stephen reflects on his relationships with the team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Doesn’t Kill You

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Livejournal in 2008.

Stephen sat on the edge of his bed, sipping lukewarm tea out of Allison’s old mug. Every time he tried to sleep he saw Valerie’s mutilated body until he’d finally given up at about 3am. His first move had been to reach for the phone, but he couldn’t ring Cutter at this time of night - he seemed to have lost the right to hold a conversation with the other man - and he certainly couldn’t ring Abby or Connor. So he’d made tea. It didn’t make him feel any better and didn’t make him feel any sleepier but it kept him occupied for a few short minutes until the trembling in his legs settled.

He wasn’t sure how long he could keep this up. He fought next to the others, planned with them, but he didn’t feel like one of them anymore. Connor didn’t sidle up to him at some wholly inappropriate moment to ask him dating advice, Abby didn’t jump into his arms when they achieved the impossible, didn’t touch him at all anymore in fact. And Cutter, Cutter’s eyes glanced over him when he spoke most of the time, or assessed him coolly when his back was turned and he thought Stephen wasn’t paying attention. But he paid more attention to the little things now than he ever had before.

It still stung that Cutter had blamed him for Valerie, as if he didn’t spend every day putting his life on the line for the team, as if he would say or do anything that could jeopardise their safety no matter how stupid he thought it was. But he’d been crazy to think that things would be okay after Helen’s little stunt. He’d known that Cutter didn’t forgive easily, if at all.

The now cold tea slid down his throat uneasily and he grimaced. Maybe he should just give up all together and leave. He didn’t seem to be doing much good where he was.

His phone rang and he sighed, half-heartedly reaching over for it.

“Yeah,” he responded not even bothering to check who it was.

“Connor’s found another anomaly. By the Thames. I’ll send you the co-ordinates.”

“Right. On my way.”

He grabbed a clean T-shirt and tried to find some trousers that he hadn’t worn recently. God, he really needed to get his washing machine fixed. Finally presentable he checked himself out in the mirror. He tried a smile but it didn’t reach his eyes and he knew the others would pick up on it, even if they’d stopped asking him if he was all right the day Helen had told them about the affair.

Car keys in hand he stepped outside and pulled his jacket closer. If only Cutter would ask, he’d tell him everything. When it started, _how_ it started, _why_ it started. But he hadn’t and Stephen couldn’t just fit it into conversation like “how are you, and have you seen the creature yet and by the way I was with Helen for the longest nine months of my life.”

So he did what he always did. Put his feelings back inside their box and stood by Cutter’s side, no longer an equal but still prepared to go the extra mile for him. And Connor and Abby. And even Jenny Lewis if need be.

Because if he couldn’t find some comfort in protecting people from these anomalies, then it wouldn’t matter if he lived or died. And the fact that he was even considering death as a viable option scared the hell out of him. He needed to bring things to a head. One way or another.


End file.
